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The Things We (Women) Carry

21 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by Elizabeth M. Johnson in Feminism, goal-setting, MIndfulness, parenting, Work

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anxiety, Durham, new moms, Outside The Mom Box, overwhelm, society, stress, Toddler Group, women, Women's Health Alliance, work

DeathtoStock_Creative Community8And I don’t mean diapers and Cheddar Rockets. I’m talking about your emotional baggage.

I talked to a group of pregnant women and their partners on Tuesday morning at Women’s Health Alliance in Durham about expectations and worries postpartum. Like the rest of us, most had done a really good job of taking care of the essentials before the baby arrives: getting the car seat installed, setting up a crib or co-sleeper, taking care of the responsibilities of work before we take our leave, etc. What was missing, for them, is preparation for the essentials that come after the baby arrives. Sure, we or friends have set up a meal “service” like Take Them A Meal but what about other essentials? Essentials like support from other new moms, permission to let the housework slide, time to take deep breathes, heal and be present with the emotions that we are experiencing.

Pregnant or not, as women, we’ve been conditioned to believe that we can do it all and that we should do it all. And that’s our first mistake. This impossible promise, though, is much more realistic (or feels that way) when we don’t have a child in the picture. As soon as the baby arrives, however, the gig is up. It quickly becomes clear that the social expectation of having it all/being it all/doing it all is not only unrealistic but also tightly packed with more shame, guilt and anxiety than we had ever imagined when we’d first stepped into those tight shoes. But once we’re got them on, they’re hard to just kick off.

In order to live with peace, be present with our children, sleep soundly at night, stay in good health and leave work behind when we shut down our computer, we must get rid of off these awful shoes. No matter how hard we try, they will never really fit us. And we are not the problem! They don’t fit any woman. We need to shrug off what’s not working because it’s costing us a lot. Even as I type these words, I know how hard this is for me. Unless I get the pinwheel of death, for example, I never actually shut down my computer. I’m not alone on this one. It saves me time to keep the computer on, to just open it and begin to type. Doesn’t it? And, is that short-term timesaver “enough” to balance what I’m giving up long-term?

To start casting off what’s not working, we need to look carefully at (state aloud, document, get an accountability partner, etc.) what our essentials actually are. And that’s a small, tight list! Once we know that, then we can start eliminating some of the emotional baggage of the “stuff” that we carry with us that prevents us from spending time on those essentials. There are additional costs associated with carrying emotional baggage which doesn’t serve us. Intangibles like energy, creativity, money, focus.

We will talk about some of this in Toddler Group because the baggage that we carry also affects our relationships with our toddler, our partner of course, and other important people in our lives. When you’re overwhelmed and feeling guilty, how do you think you’d deal with our impetuous toddler? Yeah, kind of like that.

What can you stop carrying?

-Originally published 12/18/14 at Outside The Mom Box

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“Her”…no love story here.

06 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by Elizabeth M. Johnson in Feminism, gender norms, raising girls, sexualization & gender

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artificial intelligence system, Her movie, Joaquin Phoenix, Kenneth Turan, movies, society, women's bodies

Ah, the lows that we reach on a daily basis. The new movie, Her, stars Joaquin Phoenix as a lonely man who “falls in love” with his computer, Samantha. And before I go on, let me ask how this sounds even remotely attractive as the plot of a movie to any thinking person?

It must, I guess, because people are seeing it.  And apparently because it’s a love story.  Here’s the problem though: Joaquin Phoenix’s character is in love with an artificial intelligence system.  Siri, basically.  In other words, SHE’S NOT REAL. DeathtoStock_People6And that’s what I’m angry about. Her is just one more example of how we’ve come to value disembodied women more than a real live one. You know, ones with a body. 

My daughter is under two years old. Thankfully she isn’t asking about Her but someone else’s daughter is.  What does that parent, indeed any thinking person say, to their child?  “Well, sweetie, the shitty society that we live in values the parts of a woman, particularly the sexy ones, more than the whole.  Now let’s sit back and watch the number this particular lesson does on your body image and self-worth.”

When we accept women’s bodies chopped into bits for advertising purposes or their disembodied voices in movies then we accept the fact that we are teaching our children, particularly our girls, that human contact is unimportant.  That speaking with someone face to face doesn’t matter.  That relationships aren’t valuable.  That personal connection is disposable. That empathy is over-rated.

I think Her is indeed a film “…about how we live now, and how we might live in the future,” as LA Times & NPR film critic Kenneth Turan says here.  And that’s the very problem…only not in the way that Turan and others seem to see it.  And maybe I’m the only one here learning a lesson. (It wouldn’t be the first time.) But next time my husband bursts into laughter at something he’s reading, I’m not going to complain that he’s disrupting my precious work.  I may just go in there and give him a kiss.  At least I’m not sleeping with my computer.

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