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Tag Archives: mothering

My Mother’s Voice

18 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by Elizabeth M. Johnson in life stories

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

ALS, health, mom, mothering, reading, teachers

I last heard her voice in September, I think. My mother visited over Labor Day weekend, a visit that I really had to push for, and while she tired easily she hadn’t yet lost her voice. That came later in the Fall.

It was almost late December when my mother was diagnosed with ALS. A disease I knew nothing about. I was only vaguely aware of the ice bucket challenge before my brother pointed out the connection. I still don’t know much about ALS. But I guess I know everything there is to know. Unlike cancer or other diseases, there aren’t any medications or treatments. Or so I understand. My three siblings have done the Googling. I haven’t; I won’t. And yet, I still find it unbelievable that medically, there’s nothing to do to help my mother.

Before I moved to North Carolina, I lived in Connecticut. A former place called home where my parents had also lived at one point. Former students of hers would stop me on the street to ask about her, even in their too-cool-for-school late teens, early 20’s, “Your mother taught me to read,” they said. Can you imagine? My mother was someone who taught kids to read. Among other things, I teach adults how to help survivors of past abuse but she taught children to read.

She taught me to read.

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Future reading recommendations for my daughter from my mother.

With my mother’s voice gone, so is my tolerance for the small stuff. Apparently Pieces generally are a pretty empathetic lot but I’m done engaging with people who are over-committed or have a hard time saying “no” so keeps rescheduling or allow long lapses of time to go by without a hello. I turn down more Facebook “friend” requests than I accept. Clothes that I don’t absolutely LOVE and look good on me are headed out the door today. A fear of less or scarcity is not good enough reason to hold onto something, anything. Small talk (never my strong suit), random “likes” of Instagram photos that don’t really strike a chord with me and engagement with Twitter ignorance have all gone by the wayside. Ignorant jerk? No excuses, you’re blocked. I’m doing work that I love. And am making real changes to do only that work. I Tweet when I feel moved to, not out of a need to “be out there”.

When my energy is going toward choices or behavior that has less personal meaning, I tire more easily and have less time for what is truly important. I’d rather spend some time texting with my mother, while she can. Or holding my husband’s hand as we talk, when we haven’t seen each other all day. Not moving through the world as if busy is the new black.

Sometimes, I save voicemail messages. I have one from my grandmother who passed away two years ago and many, many from my husband. “What if I never hear this person’s voice again?” I think, superstitious to the core. (Just like my mother and her mother.) Remembering that I did this, I searched on my phone yesterday for one from my mother. We are so similar that sometimes she drove me crazy. I didn’t always save my mother’s messages. But I had one. Nothing out of the ordinary but the energy in her voice took my breathe away.

I keep playing it.

What I wouldn’t give for a birthday call today. We texted already. But boy, in a day where we all get what seems to be a million texts a day, I would give so much just to hear my mother’s voice again. The old voice, the one that I know is as familiar as my own. One more time, on my birthday.

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Life’s invisible #work: #mothering

27 Tuesday May 2014

Posted by Elizabeth M. Johnson in parenting

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

bell hooks, breastfeeding, feminism, Moms Rising, mothering, Obamacare, The Grand Permission

What do you think of when I say “mothering”?

Often our mind’s eye imagines children in action. Older kids climbing a tree or running through a sprinkler. Toddlers chalking the sidewalk. Babies crawling toward a brightly colored ball. We assume that if we can see something, we can believe it to be true. But if “mothering” conjures up images of children in action, then perhaps what we “know” to be true actually isn’t true at all.

I think mothering is much more mundane than the image our mind’s eye offers. I’ve come to believe that mothering is mostly an invisible existence composed of simple, unremarkable actions that usually occur behind closed doors. Some of those actions are intentionally unobtrusive but most, I think, are not.

{Planning birthdays. Putting away groceries, toys, books, stuffed animals, games, bikes, balls, laundry. Preparing bottles. Buying new crayons and paper. Telling a dramatic story during a diaper change.}

Sometimes the work of mothering isn’t invisible…those times when we are actively engaged with our child: mom/baby yoga, pushing our daughter on the swing. But inevitably these opportunities shrink as our babies grow up. So, it would seem that we mothers are destined to categorize the bulk of what we do as invisible. Does this matter?

{Wiping…counters, the snot of our child’s nose, sticky poop, vomit. Singing a song that will (hopefully) distract. Filling a bath. Going back to the pizza place where the monkey was last seen. Unpacking backpacks.}

Darn right, it matters! And let me go a step further: the invisible work of mothering matters as a feminist issue because mothering is done primarily by women and because invisible work is often ignored, marginalized or minimized.

{Arranging doctor’s appointments. Making breakfast, lunch, dinner, popsicles. Laundering clothes, diapers, towels, blankeys, loveys, sheets. Filling a child-size Nalgene with fresh, cool water. Reading labels.}

Imagine if parenting roles were reversed. Can you imagine men doing the majority of the childcare? Take it a step further and consider if “fathering” would be mainly invisible? Not only do men take more credit than their female counterparts for the work that they do but (white) men rule the world for the most part. I imagine a world with dads engaged in “fathering” as one where they would receive a salary, benefits, tax cuts and significant social status. Obamacare would become a non-issue. Universal preschool would be standard. So, no, I don’t think “fathering” would be invisible work.

{Managing schedules. Washing grubby hands. Breastfeeding. Packing to-go containers full of healthy snacks. Visiting daycares, preschools, grammar schools, camps. Researching homeschooling.}

bell hooks tells us that feminism “is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression”. The invisible work of mothering is easy to ignore, exploit and oppress. But we can’t. If we do, we ignore the voices of women for whom this work is a daily way of life. And it needs to be stated again and again that the voices of mothers are as important as who benefits from their invisible work: children and families. These women’s needs – mine, yours, ours – are as much of a feminist issue as any other. Mothering must not go unnoticed even if the work is often invisible.

IMG_3990{Remembering where Crunchy was last. “Managing” toys, games, books for smoother play. Previewing TV shows. Planning snacks so boredom isn’t a factor for refusal. Reading aloud. Pumping.}

I am reminded of the poets in _The Grand Permission: New Writings on Poetics and Motherhood_ who worried whether their work would be considered “inferior” if they chose to write about mothering. They plunged ahead anyway. Can more of us can do the same? Yes. Mothers can write, talk, Tweet about our invisible work. Of course, still Facebook the smile finally caught on camera but also share the imperfect, everyday moments that make up our many hours. And let me add one more thing: could we dare to ask for help sometimes? So many societal factors conspire against our success but speaking out that we occasionally need help allows others in, while giving us the support and attention we deserve.

Mothering is exhausting and all-consuming. We mothers truly need the support of women who aren’t mothers or those whose children are grown. These women can play a powerful role in helping acknowledge a mother’s invisible work. They can support organizations like Moms Rising. Urge moms to take more credit. Offer to watch a child(ren) for an afternoon. Lead support groups. Encourage more feminists to claim this issue as one deserving attention.

{Visiting libraries and museums. Teaching right from left. Thinking before you speak. Washing fruits and veggies. Maintaining comforting routines, remembering important rituals.}

Invisibility doesn’t diminish the importance of our work as mothers. But it is up to all of us to claim it as such.

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Book review: Maxed Out

28 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by Elizabeth M. Johnson in book reviews, parenting, self-care, sexualization & gender

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Tags

American culture, Katrina Alcorn, Lean In, Maxed Out, mothering, Sheryl Sandberg

Writer, mom, consultant Katrina Alcorn wrote _Maxed Out_ after her own struggles with trying to do it all and be it all led her to personal maxing out.  I really appreciated this book on many levels but not least of which is Alcorn’s raw honesty about her struggles, her insecurities, her risks and her many failures.  It seems to me that we don’t hear enough about the nitty gritty that each of us moms face on a daily basis and –really important here- that we aren’t to blame.  The assumption is that if only we balance our time better, say “no” more often, cut corners on our own self-care, then it will all be okay.  No, it won’t, actually.  Alcorn clarifies why none of that works with this much needed book.

DeathtoStock_People7In each chapter, Alcorn niftily intertwines her own story with related hard facts.  For example, in the chapter about her maternity leave from her former company, she concludes her story with the American reality of the challenge that she faced.  In this case, a lack of paid family leave.  She uses hard, current facts that are clearly and persuasively stated to make her case.  Over and over, Alcorn makes the case that moms aren’t simply coming up short because of their own failings but because society at large has failed us.  And that’s the most important, timeliest message that all moms need to internalize.  Right now. We aren’t doing anything wrong.  We are doing the best that we can in a society that appears to value mothering but really when the rubber meets the road does next to nothing to support the mothers who do that mothering.

It has always been important to me to help women support other women.  I offer free groups to new and expecting moms as one way to do this and I also volunteer locally in a different capacity.  Alcorn delivers here too. After “practice saying no” In the afterward, #2 is “Be An Ally To Other Woman”.  #2 is just one more way to underscore the message of her book.  I think this is a crucial connection.  Yes, we all want paid leave (I think many people can agree on that) but less agreed upon is the need to band together, for women especially, to make these changes a reality.  That banding together involves supporting other women whose choices may not be your own i.e the decision to have a child or the decision not to have a child, for example.  A  conversation that should be focusing on how we can improve things for all of us becomes the sexy “Mommy Wars” crap instead.  Let’s place the blame, not on ourselves or each other, but on the society that we live in for failing women and families at every turn.

One of my favorite parts of _Maxed Out_was the afterword.  Alcorn gives the reader ten tips that she can do right now.  So many of these grim look-at-the-desperate-state-of-the-world-we-live-in books don’t offer any hope or ideas at the end for improvement.  Alcorn does.  Some of her tips take a bit more gumption than others (‘practice saying no’ and ‘tell your partner what you need’) but they are all smart, do-able and important for each mom to practice for a bit more sanity.  Alcorn also mentions Moms Rising, an advocacy organization that works on both grass roots and national levels to support moms.  Speaking of women supporting women! Alcorn encourages readers to sign up for Moms Rising and mentions that she is donating 10% of the proceeds of her book to the organization.  Wow, way to put your money with your mouth is.

As I finished the book, I couldn’t help think of Sheryl Sandberg and her take on what women need to get ahead.  _Lean In_ gets so many accolades for Sandberg’s false message of the key to success being women working harder and smarter. Alcorn on the other hand places the blame squarely on the shoulders of the real problem: the society we live in, not our lack of hard work or personal dedication.  Mothers everywhere have those qualities in spades.  Alcorn does and so does Sandberg of course. What we don’t have are systems that support families.  Women like Sandberg, however, are not only privileged enough to be able to buy the support that they need to raise a family: a nanny, housecleaner, personal assistants, daycare, etc. but are also more educated, higher up the corporate latter, etc. In short, they are very very fortunate. Women like Alcorn and I and perhaps you too, dear reader, cannot buy every success.  Not should we have to.

If you are a new mom or a soon-to-be mom, likely you will feel stuck in this place of no-win many, many times. I hope not of course.  But if you are, consider picking up _Maxed Out_ for a much needed reality check.  It’s worth your time and your precious sanity too.

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